Leadership and Family

Recently, our family has been presented with a situation that helped me to realize how leadership becomes a pervasive quality, not just something one focuses on in the office or at work.

I am an independent contractor who works primarily in the fields of Information Security, Risk Management, Governance, Compliance, and/or Strategy.  As I completed a contract for an organization I began looking for another contract through the normal channels of connections that one builds up over the course of business. An interesting option surfaced - one that has significant ramifications for my entire family.

I've lived in Edmonton, Alberta my entire life.  Ok - well there was some time where apparently as a very young boy my parents moved to Fort Mcmurray, Alberta for a while - but I was far too young to remember any of this.  As a family we have done a little bit of travelling to various vacation destinations and it would be fair to say that we enjoy tropical locals.  Not to mention that my wife and I have led teams (2007, 2009, 2012) to do humanitarian relief work in Nicaragua (you can check out our last trip on which we maintained a blog if you are interested).   Personally, I've always dreamed of living somewhere tropical - where you can go to the beach on the weekend and the temperature is such that you do not have to shovel snow or wear down filled jackets any time of the year.  So you might be able to understand my enthusiasm when one of my connections, in a very tropical place, contacted me and indicated that they were indeed looking for people and wanted to know if I was truly interested.  

Lights flashed.  Bells rung.  I nearly fell of my chair.  But once I recovered from the initial shock, I waited for the right moment to bring it up to my wife to see what she thought of the idea.  It's funny how my wife has the ability to balance me out.  She had some significant concerns about what this would mean for all of us - especially the kids - and we spent numerous evenings discussing the pros and cons.  

As things progressed - we got to the stage where the organization made a proposal for a 3 month trial period where I would commute back and forth as a means to see if there was a mutual fit.  If things worked out, the intention would be for a longer relationship and that meant a relocation.  Things were getting serious and the possibility of this actually happening was starting to weigh heavy.  To this point we had not mentioned anything to the kids.  I proposed the idea to my wife about having a "Family Meeting", and putting all the cards on the table so that they would be in the loop.  

Leadership is nothing without collaboration.  My studies have revealed to me that great leaders understand how to foster collaboration - they do not dictate.  In order to help make this happen in my situation, we needed to bring the whole group into the discussion.  "Without shared understanding, meaningful collaboration is impossible" (Kaner, 2011, Kindle Location 609).  So, to be transparent with the kids, we called a family meeting and provided them as much information as possible.  Before we told them what we were starting to look at, I laid down only one ground rule: At Family Meetings nothing can be posted on Facebook, tweeted, texted or placed on any form of electronic distribution.  This was for us to talk about - as a family - not to share with the world until we were certain that it was going to move forward.

The discussion was fascinating, and looking back I am absolutely convinced that this was the right approach.  We prefaced everything we said with the fact that at this point we have more questions than answers and that there were many steps to go before we got to the stage of relocation.     We sought feedback from each of the kids and let them know that we wanted them to participate in the process of making the decision. We had a variety of reactions.  One became quite emotional and indicated that he did not want to leave.  I told him that it was OK to be scared about this - and that I was scared too (which is true - remember I've lived in one place my whole life). Another was excited and wanted to know when we would leave.  As a whole, it brought us closer together as a family and the kids brought up some very good points to consider that we had not yet thought about.

This experience has shown me the power of collaboration within a family.  Although the quote that follows talks about organizations - it's clear to me that it resonate with families as well.  John Hamm indicated, “Effective leaders, by contrast, understand that their role is to bring out the answers in others. They do this by very clearly and explicitly seeking contributions, challenges, and collaboration from the people who report to them, using their positional power not to dominate but rather to drive the decision-making process” (Posner, Kouzes, 2010, p. 72).  

Effective Leadership facilitates collaboration weather it be in the office, at home or with any function participated in. I've certainly had to reflect on my own leadership and see if I've been aware of my own short comings outside of the office (and maybe within it).  "Under the guidance of an EI [Emotionally Intelligent] leader, people feel a mutual comfort level. They share ideas, learn from one another, make decisions collaboratively, and get things done" (Goleman, Boyatzis, McKee, 2004, p. 21). 

How about you?


PS - I'm still pursuing the option above...will let you know how it works out.


Goleman, Daniel; Boyatzis, Richard E.; McKee, Annie (2004-02-26). Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead With Emotional Intelligence (p. 21). Perseus Books Group. Kindle Edition.

Kaner, Sam (2011-03-10). Facilitator's Guide to Participatory Decision-Making (Jossey-Bass Business & Management) (Kindle Location 609). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

Posner, Barry Z.; Kouzes, James M. (2010-07-16). The Truth about Leadership: The No-fads, Heart-of-the-Matter Facts You Need to Know (p. 72). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.